I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
