no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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