i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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