I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
whose parrot is this?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
