All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
