he wants to bone in the snuggie
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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