Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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