I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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