VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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