if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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