Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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