so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
