They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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