well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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