I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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