...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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