Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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