I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
