god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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