a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
420 ftw
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
