doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
