Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
