i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Welp...herpes.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
