I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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