Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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