I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
