sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
