Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
