the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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