i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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