Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
