I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
