you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
God, I missed his penis.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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