the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
