If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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