I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
