So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
