Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
