Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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