im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
