mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
