Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
