Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
