I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
