My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
