M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
