Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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