Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
