You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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