Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
