I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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