every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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