4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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