Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
